Everything is slow and measured now. Everything.
I can’t run, move fast, walk quicker — even walk. Where I used to mindlessly rush, my motions are now slow… calculating… intentional. What I used to be able to do on the fly, I now do in the dust. It’s not fun but necessary.
I fight the urge to get angry, all the time. Frustration is as constant a presence as my imbalance, slowing me down.
And the world rushes on…
It’s also SO easy to daily feel sorry for myself, as one left behind, misunderstood or forgotten. This too is a struggle; unnecessary baggage carried with every measured step.
And the world rushes on…
Still, I’m reminded that in the past, when I used to regularly rush and be on the fly, always seeking to get things done while my mind was already on the next thing, I always struggled to be “in the moment.” I “efficiently” hurried.
Now I have little choice (even though I long for some future thing) to traverse “the moment” slowly. I must consciously think through and do everything. Everything.
To fix a cup of coffee, to go to the bathroom, to dress, to navigate from one place to another, must be deliberately slow if I’m to adequately function. Fast and quick are no longer part of my realm.
In such activity I inwardly feel slothful, even sluggardly, as if less than I should be, and less in control. I am no longer king of my domain. Yet, I must be slow, even though the rest are not. It is, every day, the way for me.
Is one way better than the other? My reality can only be subjective in answering. Indeed, I was once running with the others in a pressed-life that subjectively seemed to have little space for “the moment.”
So I, with the rest, rushed on…
The Lord, however, has always desired to reveal to me the objective truth: SLOW is only slow if I am in it without Him. The same is true with FAST.
I will predictably be restless, rushed, and without peace if I’m struggling in my moment without Him. This has become my reality, like it or not.
Can I be so calculating and intentional? Will I be so measured in all that I seek to do? Is my absolute truth that God is with me, no matter my obstacle, because I can’t deal with it apart from Him?
Lord, help me to measure my Steps, as I measure my Days, in Everything. All of me with all of you – SLOW…
[RWO 6/27/19 – Age 65, Diagnosed with PML Fall of 2017]
Comments by Ric Ochsner